Daily Blog of a Stressed Out College Student

Ever since I was a little girl I always dreamed of becoming a teacher just like my mom. I used to play school all the time with my family and friends, I would take it extremely seriously. Printing out worksheets actually grading them, making a whole day schedule. I would set up an actual tiny office with all office supplies and I would get dressed in my little teacher outfit. As I grew older my passion grew bigger and bigger. I had more mature reasons of wanting to become a teacher then just "it sounds fun and easy". When I usually tell people my major their initial reaction is "Wow!I could never deal with little kids good luck!" That reaction isn't suprising as I realize that it takes a special kind of person to handle such an age group. I believe I am capable of being one of those people. I want to be able to set that foundation for a successful life. I want to be that classroom and teacher that provides that escape for kids with hard lives. I want to be that teacher they feel comfortable coming to with their issues, I want to be able to solve problems with them. I want to be their biggest supporter, when no one else at home does that for them. I want my classroom to be their safe haven; the place they can come to learn academically as well as life skills. I know that when I teach their will be kids who are going to be troublesome, but I know I will be capable of looking past that and helping them realize how to be a better, happier individual. I want to be someone involved with helping to change the world into a better place. What I truly want is to help make a difference.

What is anxiety to me? To an 18 year old college freshman with anxiety. My junior year of high school i was diagnosed with Generealized Anixety Disorder. According to the National Institute of Mental Health generalized anxiety disorder is when you display excessive anxiety for months and face most or all the symptoms. Some of the symptoms include: restlessness,fatigue, difficulty concentrating, irritability muscle tension and more. I can continue this entry by spewing facts and stats at you, or I can share my personal experience with you and make it 10x more relatable and easy to understand. I choose the 2nd option. Even though I was not diagnosed until late 11th grade, I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember. Thinking about it now I definetely displayed the symptoms when I was very little. I was constantly a worrier, I had minor panic attacks, and I was always told I didn't seem like a happy child. Teachers would ask my mom why I never seemed happy or why I never smiled. I went to all the therapies: behavioral, occupational, physical and speech. I had a relatively normal childhood though, besides little things like having really no friends and the anxiety. I had a happy childhood, I was given all the oppourtunities and i was loved what more could a kid ask for. What a kid didn't ask for was panic attacks.My panic attacks would happen at night right before bed, I would feel as if I could breath and would freak myself out to the point that I would have to sleep with my parents. I would always be scared that I would stop breathing throughout the night, and as a little kid that is not a normal fear. These night panic attacks happened up until middle school. But by middle school I had to just deal with them on my own, because what 12-13 year old sleeps in their parents bed. In middle school I was the loner,no one would be friends with me I was well known but as the loser that everyone picked on or pitied. This was the time when my anxiety built up even more with the now added depression. I felt like I was drowning, and that was when I first started having suicidal thoughts. I even made up a plan, but I never followed through. High school came, and I had a group of friends and I was thankful I never followed through witht the attempt. Up until the end of 11th grade I was relatively happy and content. of course there was some stuff that upset me a lot, but overall I had hope for a better future. I came into senior year in a really dark place, October was when it all changed. I was choosing a college I would attend and got involved in a group chat for Bloom. For that I am eternally grateful,I met people that helped me escape that dark place. I was finally happy and content, something I craved my whole life. Those next few months were amazing, and yes there was some drama but I knew it was going to be okay. Where I am now, is not something I couldve foreseen. I never thought I would feel this dark again, or that I would've had an attempt. I never thought I'd be falling apart again, and not being able to fix it. I never though I could feel so numb at points, but then at the same time so broken. I never thought I would feel my heart breaking constantly, or the lump in my throat never going away. Just I never thought I would be so unhappy again, so out of control. I guess what I am saying is I hope no one ever feels like I do, because staying positve is getting difficult. I don't know anymore, I hope I can pull myself out of this dark place soon..because if I don't I am going to start spiraling. I can already feel the slip, I can already see it and that's not good. Anxiety scale 1-10; 7, Depression scale 1-10; 5.